Yep, not always "stronger" in my experience. But as long as I'm not dead I always have an opportunity to do something, even if it's small thing, with whatever time, energy and health God has blessed me with for each day. For that, I'm thankful.
I've had a week of minor setbacks. There's always setbacks. In the past I've let set backs keep me stuck in frustration, taking it as a sign I just need to give up. But over time I've learned to use these obstacles and speed bumps as opportunities to focus on other things that end up being just as important as the task I was trying to accomplish in the first place. Among the issues I had this past week are:
1) A bad case of hormonal, cystic acne took residence on my face.
2) Asthma reared it's ugly "springtime" head. Not the best situation for singing.
3) I messed up taking my medication and had 2 days of dragging fatigue, accompanied by my normal waves of depression.
4) In an effort to arm myself with knowledge to expand my creative abilities I crammed too information into my brain and became overwhelmed.
5) Adult kids had their problems and have needed extra time from Mom.
6) I haven't felt "in the zone" all week when working on my music.
These are all minor things, but still discouraging as it's slowed down my progress. I've vowed to get videos out. I've promised newly recorded music..... and it's going to get done, and be right ....and be excellent! But, I'm not there yet. Now that I'm a little later in life it constantly feels like I'm running out of time. I question... am I too old? Have I lost my edge? I say, if that's the case, so be it. Maybe it's whatever that gets done along the way. That will be what makes a difference. But I am certain I need to keep pushing forward. God has revealed to me time and time again, even at this time in my life, music is His gift and way for His light to shine in me. It hasn't left me. I've tried to walk away, many times, and it seems He won't let me. So in God's time everything will come together. I also see the "good" that has come out of each of the bumps in road mentioned above.
1) This is a much needed reminder to focus less on my looks and more on my heart. As a woman in today's society I get way too sucked in, with trying to look a certain way. It's a horrible lie to believe our worth has anything to do with our looks. But it's a constant point of weakness and struggle for me. I'm working on it.
2) Nothing I can't handle. I can still practice, write, play my guitar and learn stuff. I needed to tweak some things (a lot of things actually) anyway before recording.
3) It helps to be slowed down, and allows to me focus on tasks that require sitting still. It's hard for me to do that sometimes, so sickness and fatigue sometimes helps me in a weird way.
4) I took lots of notes and I have acquired great information I didn't have before. It will still help me as I go forward.
5) My kids are treasured gifts and worth every minute of time I give to them! They will always come first. No regrets. Being their mom blesses me everyday.
6) I need to remember all artists feel this at times. Sometime's we have to perform anyway and do the best we can. But in my case, I have the opportunity, at least right now, to be patient with myself. And on those days when my creative side is warming the bench my intellectual side has a bit more room to get things done. (This angle was taken from another blog I read by Kris Bradley.)
A couple revelations came to me this week. One, is this: The best thing about living with depression (or any mental health condition) is the unique ability to help others with the same condition. Someone who has never had it can't possibly help or understand someone who does. So being able to sympathize and deeply understand this struggle is a huge comfort to others who share this disability. I'm truly thankful I can do this.
The other revelation (coming out of my search for the perfect music producing techniques, perfect recording tools, perfect lighting and sound mix for video footage, perfect songwriting, perfect singing techniques....etc, etc.) is this: I can't learn and do everything! I know that seems like "captain obvious", but I have trouble with this. I'm pretty smart and good at a lot of things. And I get in this mindset that I can do it all. In music, in my job, in life. It's crazy. But if I do everything, even if I could, I might achieve a level of proficiency in everything, but none of it will ever stand out as excellent. So I'm working on scaling down my focus...specializing you might say. Or least, I will start taking bite sized pieces rather than trying to down the whole enchilada. I decided what bother's me the most at this present time is not knowing exactly how to produce a top level vocal track. I want to know how to capture a great sound and then polish it with the correct settings, EQ, reverb, compression, delay, all that stuff...... to bring out the best in my voice. It's my primary instrument and in my studies I was reminded it's the most remembered element in a song. If the vocals aren't right the whole song suffers. So I will make that my focus at this time. Everything else will still be in the works. I just need to realize it all takes time. Or....I need to find more help.
